One Note at a Time....

     Today I learned some very interesting truths about myself.  Things that I had never noticed, exactly, but that had kind of been nibbling at the back of my brain.  They have now been put into words and it was rather heartbreaking to realize....

     We've been struggling the last few weeks (but its been an ongoing off again/on again issue for the last few years!) with Reece and his sleeping.  After trying a prescription med only to have his sleeping get worse and worse, we feel at our wit's end.  This morning, Reece and I started our morning at 2 AM!  Yes, you read that right...  Reece woke up at 2 am and NEVER went back to sleep!!!  I didn't want to burden Jeff with it since he's swamped with haying and his regular job, so I dealt with it.  By the time I woke Jeff up at 9 am, I had about had it.  I was beyond exhausted, felt like I had no support (other than my dear husband!) and didn't know where to turn.  It shouldn't have surprised me when a very close friend called at that very  moment.  I almost didn't answer the phone.  I really didn't want to talk about ANYthing and I knew she would ask about Reece.  But, I answered anyway.....

     After telling her about our horrible night, she suggested that a group of women that she and I know get together and pray over him.  Just the thought of it sent peace surging through my body.  "Yes!"  I thought, "Getting these prayer warriors all together with Reece would be just the thing!"  We decided that I would call one of the ladies and she would call the others.  So, I made my phone call.

And this is where I learned my lesson....

After pouring my heart out to this woman and rehashing my spiritual journey that has occurred simultaneously with my autism journey, I realized something....I had never REALLY trusted God with Reece!

     For someone who considers herself to have a close relationship with the Lord, it was disconcerting.  See, I'm a very smart, self-educated (with a few years of college thrown in!) person and for the last 4 years, while I prayed for a miracle cure for Reece, I felt like I was the one who had to figure out what that cure was.  I was trusting my intellect and my researching skills and my love of science and medicine to make my son "normal." 

     And then she asked me something else....

     "Have you ever thanked God for the autism?  He's the one who has created Reece as He did."

     Boy!  Thanked God for AUTISM?????  Was she NUTS??  Autism was my enemy, my nemesis, my thorn, my broken bridge to the Land of Normal....  Why the HECK would I be THANKFUL for it????  But, another truth began to dawn on my heart....  I daily thank God for my son, Reece, but you know what?  Autism, no matter how much I don't want it to be there, is part of Reece.  It is part of this family and it is shaping what kind of person I become, what Jeff will become and what kind of women my girls grow up to be.  But, you know what?  God has allowed autism to become part of Reece and by viewing it as my enemy, am I telling God that what He's created is not good enough??? 

And, then finally, my last lesson that I learned....

     For the last 4 years, I have focused on the BIG PICTURE.  What will Reece be like in a couple years.... in 5 years.... in 10 years.....  yet, do I have any idea what Reece what kind of man he'll become?  No, of course not.  I have been so focused on curing him and making him normal so that he can lead a "normal" life as an adult, that I've forgotten that our lives are like a Mozart concerto....

     I was a violinist (I say "was" because the violin got put on the backburner once the twins arrived!).  I actually had a violin scholarship to college.  I was pretty good.  But, I remember the feeling when my teacher would hand me a new sheet of music.  I'd look at it, gulp, and immediately feel stressed out and discouraged... all before I'd ever picked up my bow!  But, if I broke it down, played one note at a time, eventually I got through it and each time I played it, I got a little better and a little better, until finally, it was mastered and ready to perform.  I need to remember in life, to take one note at a time, instead of stressing about being able to play the whole piece perfectly the first time through.  Only one note, then another, then another, until someday... I'll be standing before the King playing my masterpiece! 

     I leave you with my new strength that has helped me get through this day...

                         "Rejoice in the Lord, always.  And, again, I say, rejoice!"  Phillipians 4:4.

     I will REJOICE in Reece and I will REJOICE in autism and I will REJOICE  that the Lord chose Jeff and I to go through these daily struggles.  Because without these our lives would be too perfect, and how would we ever truly learn to trust?